The GP comprehension passage was probably the most interesting one that I have encountered. The pursuit of acceptance through the efficiency of technology, that ironically leads to the great fear of solitude. I guess I've been questioning myself a lot lately, worrying about how life works and trying to make sense of human behaivior.
I have not completely given up on understanding human nature but I have let go at least a bit if anything.

Balona ( my sweet looking used to be fat indonesian classmate. Her name being Ilona and was referred to as a balloon, hence Balona) told me a story of some sort the other day.
It was about this famous guy who was a real genius and an atheist. He tried to make logical sense about the things that happen in the world and dismissed God as an excuse for complacency. One day, while walking along the beach, he saw a little girl who had dug a hole in the sand. She was busily filling the hole with the water from the sea. He looked at the girl puzzled and told her that it was impossible to fit the whole sea into that little hole. The girl looked at him and said "Isn't that what you are doing?"
After that day, he was changed and believed in God.

I didn't really get why that converted him but I did gain something from that little catholic story that Balona's mom told her when she was 5. That it is impossible to understand everything. I do believe that most human behavior is actually done subconciously either that or habitually. I have cried and wondered if my self esteem is built around the people who praise me and felt like shit knowing that I actually really don't know who I am. That for the past few years, I have been so confident, that I was able to tell people the sort of person I am. Or at least in solitude, I knew who I was. But right now, I have given up on defining myself because it is impossible. And I've come to a conclusion that right now, I really am a blank canvas. I have worried over how fucking terrible that is but I go through life. I go through school just behaving like how a normal human being would. Live for the sake of living perhaps.
No point in worrying about how to define myself, I guess definition comes over time. And perhaps, there is a reason why human beings are considered social creatures. Some are able to enjoy solitude more than others. I am trying to be self sufficient and independent right now though I know taking my mind off things temporarily by hooking up would, I choose not to.
I need to sort my own shit out before I get into all that. I need to know myself and not let the people around me define who I am. I must be able to enjoy solitude and alone time.
I bombard myself with work and worry. A huge check list on the things I need to do for today and I am really much more motivated and anal to complete it than before. To see all the To-Do things done by the end of the day should make me feel better. It does but sometimes, it doesn't.

Fuck the fact of trying to define myself and sorting my own shit out first. I think it is impossible to harp on it. It should come naturally. So this is probably the most honest blog post in what? a month.
I met Charis, Em and E just now. As much as I want to be able to sort my own shit out and be happy on my own, I have to admit that they made my day way better.
Perhaps, I strive on people more than a nun that lives in a cave. I guess, my career as a nun is ruled out. To a certain extent, I can enjoy solitude but sometimes, it eats me alive. Whatever has happened, I have to move on and maybe socialising is just another way to help me with it. No point is sitting at home, checking all those To-Do things and end up being depressed.
Perhaps I need to just relax and go with the flow. Do things that make me happy for now. Happiness that I will not regret. Happiness that does not come in the form of hooking up with a random stranger that satisfies my temporary horniness.

I honestly thought of nasty things.. self abusive things... that I believed would happen. As much as you as a third party would see this as just another big shit that happened which can be overcomed. I felt something and believed I would not get well.

I have a feeling this post will end up as a draft after a day or so.
Pardon the incoherence, I have not typed a proper blog post nor expressed my feelings other than my art. So words to me are rather alien... hence the bad Grammar, poor choice of words and weird expressions. I wish I could write well, I wish for so many things and I strive for that. But I think I've finally come to a slow stop.. okay maybe not a stop but a slowdown to that mentality. That mentality to strive for perfection. Because no matter what, it is impossible to be perfect. At the end of the day, after achieving that fucking flat belly and being 36kg, I realised I do not want it.
That flat belly with the line that runs inbetween it should be sexy but maybe not to me. I still need that tiny layer of fat to surround it no matter how unattractive it may look with skin tight clothes. It became too unreal for me.... too unhuman?
Achieving it and knowing that I don't want it. I don't need the perfect guy or girl, I don't need someone to be artistic, I need some one to be real. Because that is what that matters.