2006 MANGO JEANS

The Math paper was relatively easy.
I don't want to say that it was completely easy in case I end up with a c5 (and if I do I'll stab my heart a million times and blame those around me then myself).
After the math paper, I took a bus home and lazed around. The thought of Hamoo still saddens me, so do many other things in my life. Well not many, but a few, 2 to be exact, or maybe 3.
I had my art examination later on in the afternoon. My teacher kept shaking her head when I held a jar of glitter in my hand; wanting to splash it all over my painting.
But I still did anyway and she complained. "What if it gets on other people's work. the examiners are gonna call me blahblahblah"
Come to think of it, glitter is kinda corny, maybe even kinda amateurish. 3 hours is a lot of time and I used that time to think, not that I can actually really help it.
I usually space out when I paint and I usually don't paint when I'm upset. Weird ainnit?
I think of the most random things on earth. I thought of people whom I'm not even close to.
They danced all over my head, Rich (I saw her today, She looked beautiful), Steph, Elizabeth, Charis, Bella, Ann, DD, Adria (she was sitting in front of me), Hamoo..
I managed to sort of sort out my life and found part of the answer to the question that has been in my head for weeks or maybe just days, I exaggerate.
I've questioned myself and asked myself why I feel so miserable.
Why are others able to move on quick and I'm not. I've come to realise that I'm not satisfied with my life. I'm not doing things that I want to and I'm a coward like that.
I believe that one can only feel happy for the other or even for anyone else if one is happy himself.
But I think posting this, typing it out, really organizes my thoughts, my heart and puts everything in perspective. I feel better and I feel like I can be more productive.
Oh god, when the holidays come I will not relax till I rot. I must not or I'll lose myself; my zest for life. I'll mope around the whole day and I'll have low self esteem (which I think I'm seriously struggling with now.).
I must disconnect myself from peer pressure, drinking and acting cool.
"The pursuit of the fake for the larger pursuit for acceptance" Adria.
Yeah only 16 years old and she's Fucking brilliant.
I can only be happy for her if I'm happy for myself. I blame her for my unhappiness and I know that it's unfair because she's not to blame. It had to end sometime and no matter how much I hate talking about the break up, let alone see her face or name on my facebook and friendster, I have to face it.
Maybe this is my shot at being more successful. She's an asshole as a girlfriend but still sweet as a friend, but I don't see myself talking to her anytime soon. I can't bring myself to, not right now.
I don't want to know how she is doing and call me ignorant, but why bother about her life when I know that I might get all upset and emo 1 2 3 slit wrist now.
I'm not bitter towards her, not right now. But I don't wish to talk about her, let alone talk to her, so I'm going to stop here.
Yes, the 3 hours almost made me cry over my miserable life but- FUCK MY COLOURS ARE WRONG!
Yes, I got interrupted by those thoughts too. So see, life's not that bad Vv. It's how you want to live it. And I want mine to be good.

After seeing Adria's work, I think Im gonna fail my art. T-T
Oh oh!I saw the sexiest female on bus 62 today ... ...

(Look at me as an individual and not as a person who was someone's ex girlfriend. That's what I like about artists and close friends, they see me as an individual and not heartbroken. That's why You don't get me and that's why I don't like you. This kept going through my mind during the art exam. It's true, I don't love someone who doesn't excite me and we lost it, it's true.)

Can we scream cold blood murder tonight?
Or Must I cut you with my knife?
Feel the blade across your skin
As I hear you whisper my name

Can you taste your own blood tonight?
With a salty tinge of mucus and sweat.
Put my fingers in between your thighs.
I'll make you wet, doesn't it feel so right.

Can you feel me inside you tonight
With the stench of carcass rotting by our side
Helpless, needy, you will feel it,
don't fight.
Tear these sheets I'll rape you right.